Bon digestif!

I've got some Big Things to blog about, but instead of working on those Things, I've been distracted by a new book I found at the library called The Experts' Guide to Doing Things Faster: 100 Ways to Make Life More Efficient. Generally speaking, I try not to buy into BS self-help books with a specific numbers of ways to make your life better (i.e. 12 easy steps, 8 secrets, etc.), but this one is entertaining.

Number 46 on the list? "Cure a Stomachache" by Crazy Legs Conti, Competitive Eater (pictured).

The following three methods are Conti's suggestions to get you "back to the table fast."

Digestives

Dense or rich foods you’ve regretted ingesting respond well to the digestive treatment. Skip drugstore tablets and grocery store biscuits. Also, ginger ale is good for neither stains nor stomachaches because these days it’s mostly corn syrup. Fake sugar will only ferment your agony. The carbonation will cause burping, which feels good, like a pressure valve releasing, but stick to seltzer, not soda, to enable short-term belching relief. Early versions of the golden soda contained ginger, the plant, hence the common beliefe in the ale’s restorative powers. What you actually need is fresh ginger, sliced, boiled,, and then served as tea. Digestives derived from roots, herbs and mints have long been a remedy for overindulgence.

Additionally, many are mixed with alcohol. The French digestif (Cognac, Armagnac, Calvados) is the most common; however I favor the Italian Fernet-Branca, which has a vague medicinal taste, hints of root beer, and overtures of dirt. Limiting your intake to three ounces won’t get you inebriated, but will alleviate your gurgling belly. Simply quaff, sit comfortably, and wait. After twenty minutes, you should notice your stomach settling. If not, drink another three ounces and continue to do so until you are pain-free (or drunk). One July Fourth, I maws musketball-loaded with twenty-three and a half Nathan’s hot dogs and buns when a beautiful woman asked me to ride the Cyclone roller coaster. I sipped Fernet-Branca until my stomach found the courage.

Fluids

We take for granted the advantages of modern plumbing, but would be wise to acknowledge the flushing mechanism in the human body. Get your system moving with lots of water. Drink a half gallon of water and the stop-and-go-rush-hour traffic of one’s lower intestines will find log-flume-like speedy relief in no time. If peristalsis (muscle contractions in your digestive tract) is the culprit, expulsion can be the hero and water the catalyst. I spent an evening in Alaska, my stomach wrestling with eighteen reindeer sausages. However, after the water method, by morning, I was able to mush on to pancakes and bacon (four and half pounds in ten minutes).

The Mind

Even if your eyes are bigger than you stomach, your mind is bigger still. Your stomach has the storage space of a small puddle, but your mind, with a great capacity than the Grand Coulee Dam, can never fill up. Putting all your mental energies toward something else, getting distracted, and ignoring the physical pain will often make it go away. It’s mind over stomach matter (I often daydream of salad) and it works for pro eaters and casual diners alike.

I usually go straight for the ginger ale or Tums, but I might invest in some Cognac if Crazy Legs swears by it.

In any case, expect more excerpts from The Experts'... I'm picking up quite a few nifty tidbits.