Is abstinence ever an effective marketing tool?

... except with this someecard. Theres no greater thrill than babysitting-slash-chauffeuring your intoxicated, non-Irish pals. Gee, thanks!

I had planned to write some sort of booze-themed post about St. Patrick's Day, but it was a poor, half-hearted attempt. I'll admit that much. And now it's over a week later.

Oh well! Get over it! I'm still talking about St. Patrick's Day and you're going to read it and love it.

Actually, St. Patty's got me thinking about abstinence-- that is, abstaining from alcohol, not sex. The concept of sobriety, if you will. And what better holiday to muse about a lack of alcohol than the booziest holiday of the year? Pass the green O'Doul's.

There are lots of people who don't drink alcohol or who don't consume large enough quantities to get "crunk", or whatever the kids are calling it these days. It's funny though, because you never hear about Sobers People once you're out of college. Sure, a recovering alcoholic will bring up the concept on occasion, but the real Period of Crisis seems to be during the college years when people go way overboard (or they want to pretend like they do via retarded pictures).

Naturally, many college health centers offered "safe drinking tips", which, much like safe-sex tips, always begins with the obligatory pleading to abstain from drinking at all.

"There's no such thing as risk-free drinking," said a counselor in University of Michigan's DrinkWise program.

This quote seems unnecessarily foreboding, and depends a lot on your definition of "risk", which will be relative to the amount of alcohol consumed and the context of the situation. For example, if I drink a glass of wine while I watch TV before bed, the foreseeable risks are few to none. I'm not going to get roofied and be sexually assaulted, I'm not going to pass out and asphyxiate on my vomit, and I'm surely not going to fall down a flight of stairs. The major risk will be plaque, because I will become so relaxed and sleepy, I'll be too lazy to get up and brush my teeth. Gross.

Obviously there are some real risks (without the quotes) that go along with pounding brews, but there seems to be a huge difference between the perceived risks and actual risks for novice drinkers. When kids are unfamiliar with the effects of alcohol on their sober bodies, they can surely do stupid things.

For the people who'd like to prevent the occurrence of these stupid things, the promotion of alcohol abstinence is a favorite tactic. One college website (which I stupidly neglected to bookmark) displayed pictures of students wearing a t-shirt proclaiming, "Kiss me, I'm sober!" for the students who prefer to leave no doubt.

Another option is the sober party. Royal Purple offers a blueprint for the typical Anti-Whatever Sober Party, which always boils down to eating a lot and watch movies. Instead of getting fat off beer, get fat off pizza!

To me, the message of sobriety is aimed at a very specific group--namely, Christian white kids--and is a totally inappropriate way to begin a productive discussion about responsible drinking. Yes, underage drinking is illegal, but the fact is it happens, so let's accept it and deal with the actual issue at hand.

Abstinence from alcohol's sister programs have fared equally terribly in the world. You know them as abstinence-only sex education and the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign.

The first has been researched extensively and time and time again, abstinence-only sex ed has been shown to "run the serious risk of leaving young people, especially those at elevated risk, uninformed and alienated." (2002 study) We're FINALLY taking the hint on this one, but it's taken 4ever.

The second has been a complete waste of time and money! Launched in 1998, the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign has had no effect on youth marijuana usage, and there is some evidence that "exposure to the campaign messages was related to pro-marijuana cognitions"! (2008 study) Glad the government spent billions of dollars on that crap.

Does telling people to abstain from something ever work?! I'm thinking the answer is a resounding no.

In the case of drinking, yes, alcohol can be dangerous and destructive when consumed irresponsibly! Yes, drinking and driving is bad! But is the answer never EVER drink?

There has to be a better way to promote the responsible consumption of alcohol without being so judgy and religious about it.

Hell, even Bristol Palin agrees abstinence is a crap shoot.